Four letters. One Question.

Love. Love! Love?

I know I’m not the only person in this world curious as to what “love” is. When do you know your in love? How do you know? How long does it take to fall in love? What is love exactly? What is it? Can you simplify the emotion that is love into a dictionary definition?

I’ve been seeing a boy for 6 months. We have no title. But sometimes I think…I might love him. I might be in love with him. That’s a silly thought right? Loving someone after 6 months. Isn’t it? When do you know the right time to fall in love? When is it socially acceptable? A year, 2 years, 2 days? After you meet his family? Before you have sex with him? When is it right? And is it ever?

I’ve always been somewhat of a pessimist when it comes to the subject of love. Not having my father in my life and my mother constantly forgetting about me, I’ve always had issues with “love.” Love abandoned me, love made me feel like I was nothing. Love has always hated me, in my eyes.  My heart, never having been whole, has always been locked away. The one time I let it out it was smashed to bits by someone who I’ve known almost my entire life. Someone I trusted. Needless to say after the devastation I picked up the pieces, placed them back where they belonged, and locked them away. I would never feel that way again. Not even a year after putting myself back together I began seeing another boy. We were co-workers for a year and a half. We had tried dating once before but we wanted different things at the time.  Then one day he texted me and asked me to cover his shift for him, I needed the hours so I did. We ended up being understaffed so they called him in. We flirted, laughed, and messed around, the usual. After my shift ended I got a text from him asking if I wanted to hang out, not thinking anything of it I said yes. We met up for coffee at It’s a Grind and talked for a couple of hours. I met his friends we hung with them and then relocated to Starbucks. The conversation flowed with us, it was very natural. When it was time to say goodnight he went in for the kiss and I let him kiss me. For 10 mins I allowed his lips to caress mine. When I left I was in shock. I never, ever thought he and I would hang out, let alone share the passionate kiss that we did. But I shrugged it off and soon thought nothing of it. A week later I found myself laying on a blanket, at a park with him. Laughing, sharing stories, sharing our poetry, teasing each other, just enjoying each other. Looking in his eyes with the sun beaming down on us, he’d push a strand of my hair behind my ear and kiss me and my eyes would close. This was the day I realized I liked him. I cared for him more than a friend. This was the day I realized that I was in deep shit.

We’d continue to date, drive-in, coffee shops, parks, and wherever else we wanted to go. It didn’t matter to me. As long as I was with him. And that thought scared me. So I fought. I was difficult and pushy. I would pressure him or I’d be cold. All because I was afraid. There was even a moment when I told him I just wanted to be friends, that lasted for about 2 weeks and we were back to our usual routine. Soon 5 months had passed and I found myself melting under his kiss, dreaming of our future together, getting butterflies at the way he’d say my name. I’m not sure when it happened exactly but my heart came out of hiding. Somehow he managed to breakthrough every single wall I had up and get to my heart, to make me feel, to make me love. Now I’m not sure if I do love him or if I’m in love with him. All I know is that falling asleep in his arms makes me feel safe. Every time he kisses my forehead my heart swells and I feel like I’m his and only his. Every time he holds me in his arms I want to stay there forever. Every time he kisses me my body is set on fire. Every time he is hurt, so am I. I want nothing but to see him happy, to see him successful. I want him to feel secure, to feel good about himself. Does that mean I love him? I have no idea. But I know I care for him deeply and he has become a major part in my life.

 

He is someone I love.  Is he someone I’m in love with? I think so. I think I’m in love with him and every inch of me hopes he feels the same way. Maybe 6 months isn’t a long time to some people, but its just enough for me.

And I Call Myself, Sophie

 

So that’s me. Sophie. A single, 19-year-old mess. Haha. Don’t get used to the hair, I’m constantly changing it. I call this look my slave boy. So wrong I know.

Sooooo…I feel like I should do the whole “Hi, my name is. I like..I hate..” song and dance. Truth be told, I’ve never really been good at that, I always feel like I’m bragging. haha.

My favorite thing in this world is music. I love all genres and styles. Music is everything to me. Some of my favorite artists are: The Black Keys, Van Morrison, The Violent Femmes, Fiona Apple, City and Colour, Tegan and Sara, Metric, The Noisettes, A Tribe Called Quest, Stars, Bowerbirds, MGMT, Passion Pit, Lady Gaga, and Johnny Flynn. There are many, many more.

I’m no health nut, but I don’t eat red meat and I don’t drink soda. I am, however, an avid coffee/tea drinker and cigarette smoker. I don’t like working out, but I do it. I hope one day to become a full vegetarian but in order for that to happen I’ve gotta stop eating chicken haha.

 I’m not the most confident person in the world, but I fake it good. I’m not single, but I’m not taken either. I have a job, it’s not the best, but its a job.  When I’m not working I like to spend time with my friends, read, paint, write poetry, write songs, and browse the web. I’ve been called a fashionista but I don’t think of myself that way. I like fashion, I love fashion but I wear what I want to and don’t really worry about “the trend.”

I’ve been in love once. I’m still a virgin and I’m not ashamed of that. I am christian but that isn’t the reason I’m still a virgin.

One day I hope to be a well-respected actress.

One day I hope to make an impact on someone’s life.

One day I hope to be apart of a movement.

My name isn’t Sophie, but that’s what you’ll know me as. A 19-year-old mess.

Sophie Likes: Rihanna-Rude Boy

-My apologies for disappearing. I’m still living at home and my mother likes to lock me out of the computer sometimes.-

So I’m in love with Rihanna’s new video! Everything about it. It’s so colorful and its fun and funky. I’m not a huge Rihanna fan, which is funny cause this is my second post that she is in, but I adore this song and video. Its my favorite at the moment. It reminds me a little of M.I.A but like a cheap version, muahaha, but I still like it a lot. I still don’t like her hair though…at all. haha.

Her wardrobe in this video is interesting as well. I’m not really feeling the body suit, but I think she looks cute when she’s got the hat on and the earrings.  Her hair when she’s on the lion kind of reminds me of Janelle Monae or Shingai from the noisettes. -shrug- Doesn’t really work on her the way it does on them. Buuuuut I still looooove this video!

Here it is:  

Sophie Wants: Strong Shoulder Dress

Oh please, please, please can I have this?

This strong shoulder dress from Urban Outfitters has been on my “Omg I need this” list for the longest time. Ever since I saw Rihanna rocking the gray Marc Jacobs Pagoda dress. Its an oldie, but its an outfit thats been embeded in my brain. 

Seeing as how anything Marc Jacobs is not even kind of in my budget I’ve been on a search for the next best thing. I was having no luck until I walked past my local Urban Outfitters, and in their display window was the next best thing!

The Silence and Noise strong shoulder dress! It runs for about $58! So obviously this will be mine come payday! *excitement* 

Has anyone else noticed the strong shoulder movement in the fashion world? I mean from McQueen to Vauthier everyone is going big and bold with the shoulders. One of the many things I love about fashion is it recycles!

Friends with Benefits

How do you feel about being friends with benefits?

So I was seeing this guy for about 4 months, known him for 2 years. We stopped seeing each other the day after my bday (jan 17th). I had tried to disappear from his life. I deleted him from everything, but I missed him…well that’s what I thought it was.

 After I had a conversation with my best friend I realized that maybe I never liked him at all, maybe I don’t miss him. Maybe, just maybe, all the things that I felt were a result of an intense physical and sexual attraction. Maybe it’s not his laughter that I miss, but the way his breath felt on my neck. Maybe I don’t miss the way his eyes used to search mine, but the way his hands used to search my body. Maybe I’m not longing to tell me he misses me in a sweet voice, but that he wants me in raspy whisper. Maybe.

So what I’m wondering is, is being friends with benefits okay? Is it safe to do this when you’ve known someone for long time? Will someone get hurt? And will you ever move forward and find someone else, if you’re still messing with your past?

Questions, questions, questions. I guess the only way to have them answered is to just go for it and see what happens. That’s what life is about right? Taking chances, making mistakes. Hopefully that’s not what happens.

Sophie Likes: Olsenboyle

So the other day I went into JcPenny’s (a store I don’t shop at too much) and something caught my attention.

This:

A dress designed by the Olsen twin’s for their line for JcPenny’s called, “Olsenboyle.” I like the Olsen twin’s but I was still very surprised at some of the things in their line. This and a couple other things caught my attention in a good way, some other stuff not so much. I was planning on buying it, but the dress is $44! Now, to some that may seem like a small amount, but I am currently saving up for hair extentions, as well as Coachella or a trip to San Francisco. So $44 is just not in my price range. A lot of the things in their collection are a bit overpriced, in my opinion, buuuuutttttt I still want it haha.

Here are a few of my favorites from the collection, ranging in price from about $36-$52

I Honestly Don’t Know

Hello.

I’m not really good at describing myself, but here goes:

My name isn’t Sophie, but that’s what you’ll come to know me as. I’m 19 years old and a freshman in college, with a shit job like many people my age. I do a lot of different things, I’m a poet, songwriter, dancer, actress, budding musician and painter. I hope to one day call these things my talents. haha. I’m not the best writer, but I try my best.

I’ve always wanted to have blog, and thanks to Alicia at www.innyvinny.com I finally decided to do it.  This will be the any, and everything blog. I pretty much plan on talking about whatever I want. Fashion, music, movies, my life and just life in general. I honestly don’t know where this is going to go, but I’m hoping for the best.

And so it begins…

-Sophie

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